Tutu Lady

I measure every Grief I meet (561)

Emily Dickinson1830 – 1886

I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing, eyes – 
I wonder if It weighs like Mine – 
Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if They bore it long – 
Or did it just begin – 
I could not tell the Date of Mine – 
It feels so old a pain – 

I wonder if it hurts to live – 
And if They have to try – 
And whether – could They choose between – 
It would not be – to die – 

I note that Some – gone patient long – 
At length, renew their smile –  
An imitation of a Light
That has so little Oil – 

I wonder if when Years have piled –  
Some Thousands – on the Harm –  
That hurt them early – such a lapse
Could give them any Balm –  

Or would they go on aching still
Through Centuries of Nerve – 
Enlightened to a larger Pain –  
In Contrast with the Love –  

The Grieved – are many – I am told –  
There is the various Cause –  
Death – is but one – and comes but once –  
And only nails the eyes –  

There’s Grief of Want – and grief of Cold –  
A sort they call “Despair” –  
There’s Banishment from native Eyes – 
In sight of Native Air –  

And though I may not guess the kind –  
Correctly – yet to me
A piercing Comfort it affords
In passing Calvary –  

To note the fashions – of the Cross –  
And how they’re mostly worn –  
Still fascinated to presume
That Some – are like my own –

I thought about this poem a lot lately, I apologize now for the more depressing of posts. But with this weekend coming closer I feel the need to share with you that yes not everything is or will be happy peas and some pods. Not everything is peachy. Recently I had a death in my family, my tutu ~great grandmother~ on my fathers side. She lived a long and amazing life so I know she has no regrets in her life. She was an amazing women to me even with such a short time with her. She was always the peak of the party, she could drink anyone out of business. Even in her golden years. She always sacrificed for her family and that is something that I will always be grateful and in awe for. With the woman the she was and the women she is now that she is free of mortal tribulations.

Over the weekend we will have the funeral and on Monday the burial, she will be buried next to her late husband which is such a beautiful thing.

Although she is gone I know she will always be with me. Most people think that I am too optimistic. But I suffer just the same as others. I do suffer from depression but that is why I am optimistic, selfishly I stay optimistic to remind myself of the good because if I don’t I will fall again and it scares me to feel so trapped, but I also do it for others so that they don’t have to feel that trapped feeling. I have to admit though with my crafting and hobbies it helps to relieve some of that pain, but not completely.

With the fact of this is happening, I am optimistic about it. I mean she lived an amazing life, she was an amazing mother, grandmother, and great grandmother, and an amazing human bean. She is flying in heaven and she is smiling and watching over my family and I. She will forever live in my heart and she will always be an inspiration to me. I can not be sad because I know she isn’t. I am sad that she is gone but I am happy that she is now free. I feel her more now as the funeral come, she whispers with actions and I know she wants me to be strong and honor her death without drowning in grief.

The thing that has helped me the most in this time is my fiancé and my friends. I have acquired an amazing bunch of peas that fit perfectly in my pod. They are there for me and the let me cry and complain just as much as they to I. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have been able to be such a strong women and be there for my family. I have always been one to help others whether I was in pain or not. It isn’t that I am hiding my pain from them, but because I know they need it and I have that kind of support else where. If you have friends like that I urge you to thank them, take them to lunch or something. Because they are family at that point. They will be there through everything.

Thank you for taking your time out of your day to visit my blog, even if this post is a bit depressing.


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